D:365 Day 2

This is one of my supply drawers. I have pink and green insets.

New pump, new name

I need a name for my new pump. She's a silver Animas Ping!
I decided to look at a brief history of advancements in diabetes management. I took note of Doctor Priscilla White. She was a crucial part of the Joslin Center. She worked with pregnant women who had diabetes. She made a great impact, and I think she increased the fetal survival rate from 56% to 97% after she began. I feel immeasurably thankful for her pioneering work. She is one of the reasons that I am a mother today. Without her work, I don't want to imagine what would have happened to me and my babies.
So, after learning just a little bit of this doctor's history, I feel like I ought to name my new pump Priscilla. She may be known henceforth as Prissy, Miss Priss, or any odd bastardization of the name.
My meter needs a name as well.  Since Dr White worked with Dr Elliott Joslin, I think my meter will get the name of Elle, Ellie, Josie, or Ell. We shall see.

D:365 Day 1

I became bored with the old look of the old onetouch meter that connected to my medtronic pump. I painted her. Now, she is pretty but unused.

Diabetes 365

So I ran across the term in my blog post title. I googled a bit and it seems to have begun on Flickr.com back in 2007. I could easily be wrong here but that is where my limited googling led me.
I have adopted it into my blog. I am starting this in a few days, but thought it was worth trying

Discouraged

I am impatiently waiting for my new pump to get here. They have about 3 hours and 26 minutes until ther delivery window closes and I'm grumpy as hell.
Kids went to bed easily last night, my bg was 148 before bed. Perfect number so I didn't drop low overnight, so I thought. Little Miss woke up wet so I had to change her, clean up the mess and try to not fall over in a haze of dizziness and shaky legs. Tested before I fell asleep and I was down to 52. AYFKM? Drank an ounce of syrup, literally 30 freakin milliliters of syrup and one damned pb sandwich cracker. I went back to sleep, then tossed and turned with post-hypo-nightmares, which are a thing with me. The sound of duplo legos crashing into a plastic bin woke me in a drunken haze, I managed to slam my bedroom door shut, and lay there in a half aware state. Turned back over, felt around for my meter pouch, and tested. 370!?!?! Retest using a toe and it was 317. UGH! Bolus and I'm still high, after having coffee with barely any sugar free sweetener.
I just tested and am finally down to 81 on one meter and 84 on the other from the same drop of blood.
I am past the honeymoon phase of perfect numbers after getting my body used to actively trying to keep the D monster in check.
I've had more highs and elevated numbers followed by random lows that I fear my A1c is going to spike above ten again. I hate diabetes.

After waiting all afternoon for my pump to arrive, and then calling the company and then feeling utterly enraged by the fact that they STILL have not sent the thing out, I am having more anger induced hyperglycemic readings. I am so beyond pissed and every time I think of it, I get angry all over again. ACK!!!!!
May tomorrow bring a phone call regarding confirmation of shipping, a tracking number, and apoeace of mind that the screw up was a miscommunication rather than an outright lie by the sales rep I was previously dealing with.

What a great day!

Today was a typical Monday, and it was totally not.
I had my weekly prayer meeting AND managed to wake up in time to make it there, go me!
I actually volunteered to help serve food at a brunch my group is hosting soon. This is some scary stuff to me, but I'm trying to peek out of my comfort zone a little.
After my meeting, I took my minions to grab some snacks for later in the day. My Berry went off to school, and my Bear and I went shopping for a vacuum. That was oh so joyous. I finally picked one and brought it home but I haven't unboxed it yet. First, it's in a cardboard box, the feel of which I detest. Second, there's going to be all the crap that comes with an unboxing. There's going to be plastic bags, twisty ties, cardboard in the cardboard and likely styrofoam (gag).

Anyhow, once the Tiny Tot of Awesomeness helped me get a vacuum, we got Berry from school then went to a local conservation area for a playdate. We let the munchkins run themselves tired, plied them with snacks, then enjoyed the outdoors. It was absolutely wonderful.

The only downside to the day came when a song on my mp3 triggered some strong grief. This month is hard. I remember the day my dad had the stroke, and the day we turned off the machines. the days in between are a hellish blur. So when a song which has no connection to my father comes on and slams me with a wave of sadness, it kinda pisses me off.

It's been a nice weekend

We were lazy all weekend and stayed home for he most part. We stopped at one store after Mass today, then came right home. I became ill and fell into a rough sleep. I awake and still slightly high but am trying to come down.
I've looked into trying to find fun accessories for my new pump, meter, and other stuff.
This month seems to be getting my numbers all wacky. I dislike the month of March. This is the month of my father's death. Aside from happy times squashed by waves of terrible memories, I can get by as more years pass.

Tomorrow is a nice meeting with my prayer group, to which I'm looking forward.

Laziness is creeping back in.

I cannot sleep well at all again It is hard to fall asleep, hard to stay asleep, and I cannot wake up in the mornings very easily.
My testing is slipping, my numbers are rising, and I am feeling the crappiness that comes with feeling high.

I woke up over 300, and had a hard as hell time getting my number back under 300. Then I woke up this morning, at 137 and spiked high because I miscalculated the carbs in my coffee and used the regular creamer instead of sugar free.
I've been grumpy more and very irritable and I hate feeling like that.
Tomorrow is back to writing down all food and only eating small meals at a time.

I'm in the minority.

I dislike zombie stuff.
I REFUSE to watch zombie movies, tv shows about them, or give them much thought.
I despise them.
The only thing zombie related I will enjoy as entertainment are the novels by Laurel K Hamilton. Her Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter novels have the main character, obviously Anita, who is a necromancer. her power lies in the ability to reanimate corpses. In her universe, vampires and werewolves exist. Vampires are given legal rights, they have their own church, and are treated by some people as love interests.
Zombies in this universe are not caused by some virus or bio-hazardous mistake. They are mostly intentional, and are put back to their graves when the animator is done with them.
I love these novels, and there are over twenty in the series.

I refuse to watch the current hit show about them and will not watch any of the movies that Hollywood is going wackadoodle over.

Give me Die Hard, Indiana Jones, Jason Bourne movies, Lethal Weapon movies, basically action movies or the fantasy genre where Harry Potter, Middle Earth, The Doctor, and Narnia exist

My husband.

I am beyond blessed. I found my best friend, and married him as soon as I could. I miss him when he is away on business, I love to chat with him throughout the day.
I love his sense of humor, how he changes words to theme songs and commercial jingle, and how he laughs so hard when our kids do something funny.

He is my biggest supporter, he builds me up when I feel down, he never degrades me, never discourages me from pursuing my happiness and dreams.

I am married to the love of my life, my best friend, and my other half.

A few rough days

It seems like things go bumping along fine then one day the little stress triggers start to build up until I'm ready to build a hobbit hole and hide from human contact.
Yesterday was my breaking point. Bad cycle of high blood sugars making me stress out more and stress spiking my numbers.
I'm planning to be proactive today and do what I can to stay positive.

I NEED time alone. I need that lack of input from anyone other tha myself in order to feel a sense of calm. Yes I know that I am mom to two young kids but when they sleep, I need time to decompress from the constant barrage of talking.

I hate chit chat at home. My home is place of quiet and talking coming from anyone when I just want quiet drives me batty.


I swear I have a sensory processing issue or I am an introvert or I just hate human contact unless it is on my terms.

Today, I am going to take Berry to school, and while she's there, I'm going to drive out to where Mr K is working and drag him to lunch.

Pray for my sanity, my ability to find peace, and patience.

I try to be a positive person, but...

Sometimes I just am not.
Things get to me.
The sound of people eating, utensils clanging or scraping a dish while someone eats, incessant chatter, tv commercials, loud volumes on radio and tv, the way the wind sounds when only the back windows are open on a car traveling faster than 25mph, the wind in my ears when all the windows are open in a fast vehicle, the drone of electronics-that hum they all seem to have, the sound of the road grader, the beep of the garbage truck, static on AM stations, and those are just the sounds that get to me.
I cannot handle the feel of paper products, Styrofoam containers or dishes, microfiber cloths when my skin is the least bit dry, how dry my hands feel after washing them, how yucky they feel if I get too much lotion that doesn't absorb quickly, when dirt or sand gets under my fingernails, walking on crumbs, and wet spots on my socks.
Visually, bright lights seem to bother me the most. Since my cataracts were removed, it's better but I still prefer not to drive at night. I don't watch music videos or kids cartoons if there is bright flashes of light.
 My taste issue is much milder. I will not and can not tolerate peppery foods. I love flavorful spices, just no pepper. Cayenne, tobasco, or anything of the like. I can enjoy small bits of black pepper but that is it. I have a strong sweet tooth for candy, but hate sweet drinks. I only use the yellow packets of sweetener only-the blue packets upset my stomach and the pink packets give me vicious migraines. I love to drink tisanes (herbal teas) with a hint of sweetener to them. If I drink soda, it is always diet, but those have been cut out because I am becoming more sensitive to caffeine as I get older. I try to avoid tomato based foods due to gastrointestinal protests.
Lastly, I can never seem to properly regulate my own temperature. I am always colder that my peers or overheated easily. My best investment for clothing was wool socks. I love them so very much!

Crowds and loud places make me very prickly. If my personal space is invaded without invitation, it make me twitch. I get sweaty and shaky like I'm having a severe low when I am the center of attention in a group of people who are not my family and close friends.

I'm feeling overly paranoid that I am suffering from some sort of sensory overload. That maybe my hypothyroidism or diabetes is making me feel so oversensitive to all these things. I feel like an unfair bitch when I can't handle a store when others are shopping.


EVERY one of these triggers manifests as irritation or anger.

I feel utterly alone in how the little things bother me to such an extreme degree.

How the HELL am I supposed to go back to school in a few months?

Tangential ramblings

Today wasn't so bad, at first. I wasn't all that hungry, until I started smelling the ham cooking in the oven around mid-day.  I managed to start  a slow descent into a low from lack of food, that's when I went to grab a bite. Suddenly I hear a small crashing sound come from my bedroom. I rush in expecting to see a cat or a kid near a broken window or mirror. No, it was my vase of rocks. Thankfully nobody was hurt but I had this beautiful glass vase that held a small collection of some of my rocks. It was initially bought as part of an amaryllis gift for my mom when I was in college, if I recall correctly. The bulb thrived and was transplanted and the vase was placed in the kitchen, and held glass craft beads for awhile. Somehow it shifted; it sort of migrated with me when I moved across the country. I loved that vase. It was a gift back to me from my mom, and the rocks it held were ones I collected in my childhood. I walked into my bedroom to see Berrygirl standing to the side of the mess, tears streaming down her face saying "I'm sorry Mommy" She was feeling guilty already and when she knows she messed up, she WAILS hard until she is directed to stop crying, take deep breaths and calm down. I'm beyond thankful that she is fine, that is was "only" a broken vase and not worse.
Apparently she disobeyed and broken some rules which led to the breaking of my vase. An aside- we have the same rules in my home as my parents had when I was growing up. You do not enter the parents' bedroom without knocking -or asking permission first, if no parent is in the room. We have breakable things, and private things, and secret hiding spots for certain holidays; there are more reasons, but suffice it to say, this is a rule she knowingly broke.
 Berry asked to use a toy I have put up and out of easy reach due to many small pieces. I told her no, not now. She chose to try to get the toy anyway. She climbed onto a laundry basket full of clean clothes and grabbed a shelf. In doing so, she hit my dresser and knocked the vase and rocks to the floor. Insert very sad face.

Once she took her punishment like a big girl (restrictions in place for certain toys), we settled in for an afternoon of movie watching.
The kids played and we watched San Andreas, after a break for food, we sat down to watch The Good Dinosaur. The kid film was way better than I expected. I had zero interest in paying to see it but my sister rented it for all the kids, so I was game. The girls fell asleep, but liked what they saw of it. I would likely rent it myself if they showed interest in seeing it in full.

My numbers were decent, and it was an amazingly relaxing day.
My family down south are all okay but they have friends and extended family impacted by the flooding in Louisiana.

On a betic note, i spoke with my rep at Animas and really look forward to finally picking a color for my new ping. I have been anti pink for a long time. Once I became pregnant with Berry, I started HATING pink. I went as far as never buying a pink outfit, or anything with more than an accent with pink was donated to the thrift store. I eased up a lot when she started showing a preference for colors and then all hope was lost once she started preschool. CareBear (formerly BabyBear) is like Berry's shadow and mimic and therefore loves pink as well.  Now I am starting to not hate the color and have *gasp* bought myself a pink shirt. Granted the pink purchase was out of pure necessity (forgot to pack more than two shirts for a week at the in-laws' houses). ALL that said, my choices for my new pump are among: black, silver, green, blue, or pink. They also offer silicone skins in a variety of colors. I'm nearly evenly split between versatile silver and pretty pink. What the ever loving hell is wrong with me that I am entertaining the thought of four years with a PINK fracking pump!? Ack! those thoughts are why I am torn between the final two colors.
One cool thing I am planning to do is order a variety of infusion set colors.
I will get two boxes each of green and pink to start with, and go from there.
I need some sleep. It's 3 am and I have Mass to attend in the morning! This may not go well for being conscious while dressing in a few hours.

I don't mean to....

I truly don't intend to fast. Somehow it happens. I get up, test my blood, try to remember to swallow my levo, and grab a cup of coffee. The kids have a habit of waking up before me, and when they feel a disturbance in the force notice I've woken up, they come at me like a hailstorm of bullets in an old war movie. They want things. Things like food, drink, attention, praise, hugs, food, to know if we are going anywhere, food, to let the dogs outside, to let the cats inside, to feed the hens, (and did I mention they ask for breakfast?)--all before I have taken that first blessed sip of brewed happiness.
So by the time I get my kids and animals fed and hydrated, checked my messages via phone or internet, and taken care of cleaning up from the aftermath of food consumption, I'm ready to sit down. That may not be in the cards on an average morning. I still have to get a second sip of coffee in, and hopefully by then it is still warm, if not fully cold.  By the time I get a chance to eat, I may be dropping low from going on no fuel.
I can get lucky some days and fix myself up a nice steaming hot bowl of oatmeal or grits. Oatmeal is my favorite lately. I love my kitchen scale more than I ought to, but I do love it so very much. I can weigh my dry food, cook the oatmeal, the zero out the scale and weigh my add-in of butter, cream, and sugar (if I use the real stuff that day). Then I can accurately bolus for my food AFTER I've eaten it. Those are good days, those in which I can eat oatmeal before noon. Not so good days mean I am battling my willpower against the desire to stop in at crackdonalds for a large order of crispy fried potatoes. I swear they much add something to their fries to be that addictive. The worst days are those where I bring Berry to school and it's time to pick her up after 3pm, yet I still haven't ingested more than a few sips of coffee.
I really dislike those days. Sure, my numbers are fine; but that gnawing aching hunger by dinnertime is just not worth it. It's also negatively impacting my weight loss. I don't lose pounds from not eating, instead my over 30-year-old metabolism is greatly decreased by the lack of food. Unless I eat frequent small meals, my metabolism seems to be at a standstill.

So I dislike missing meals and I do not intentionally fast without doc's orders. Ugh.

My treadmill is dying.

I have an old beast of a treadmill. I have no idea how old it is, just that it was likely manufactured before the Y2K hysteria. It's been moved around from state to state, basement, garages, houses, etc. I went to plug her in and the sound that there was power going to the motor indicated it was working fine, but the belt would not move unless I forcefully walked, using my hands against the handle bars like I was pushing a car. *sigh*
I was really looking forward to getting back to running and trying out couch to 5k again.

Fear.

I have a lot of fear. Fear of going low while alone, driving, or doing an activity. Fear of trying out a new activity and having a great time then having to stop so I can deal with a low, with a call from someone or with my kids. I have been scared to go back to school because of something happening. I have been scared to get a full time job, even in retail, due to having no one I can count on for consistent childcare. I have no income to pay someone. This is a lot of anxiety, so I deal with it by doing nothing. I have great friends and family that will watch the girls for a doctor's appointment of for me to go out and do a quick errand or two. I don't discount these people as they've made life so much easier to live with their help. I just cannot and will not rely on them because they have their own lives to live.

I yearn to go hiking or walking or biking with my kids or friends or even by myself. I long for the chance to run. I have zero endurance. I tied couch to 5k last year but failed because we had to move my treadmill out the house and I lost my motivation to run in a an non-insulated detached garage. I lost the smidge of progress I had made very quickly.

How and where do I begin? I've got this friend who is a great cyclist. She's kind, funny, outgoing, healthy, athletic, and a great mom. She and her husband ride on a cycling team. I'm shy and have a hard time making friends to begin with much less trying to learn where to join a team doing any athletic activity.
I just don't know where to look or how to begin.

Some days suck.

Yesterday was pretty amazing, mood wise.My morning started slow but great. I learned a good deal about people from Burma (Myanmar) due to a local group whose mission is to help refugees settle and become more independent community members. Next, I spent time with my sister, thrift store hopping, which was fun. Found a couple cute shirts and trinkets. My evening was nearly thrown off by a massively split tire but my help wasn't needed after all (not my tire, and everyone is safe- thank goodness!).
The evening came about and I drove an hour away to go to a meeting. After a nice time meeting new people, I stopped for crackdonalds. Ordered a meal a little too rich in carbs but had to roll through the drive-thru again as they gave me the wrong size fry order. Got that all situated and managed to start eating and forgot to check carb count before eating. (Side note, using siri while driving helps with searches when one does not wish to look away from the road while driving.) I managed to shovel my dinner down then bolus effectively. Win!
I got home and had to deal with the madness that is my home when my kids have not been in the same room as me for more than .0345 seconds. Sat at my laptop and checked social media only to find out about the death of an internet friend. That blew my good mood to shit, then when texting a mutual friend about the recently passed one, learned some unhappy news from her. Lastly, my kids wanted cuddles and my husband is not home and it just made for a crap night with no down time.

Survivalist shows

Thanks to my recent addiction to learning anything and everything about hiking/backpacking I've delved into the world or reality survival tv shows. I know how inaccurate tv is. Editing is everything, so I take these shows with a grain of salt. However, it irks me to no end that they pick these people with no serious medial issues. Insurance won't cover the potentially medically fragile. I would one day LOVE to see a T1D on a survival show. I mean, come on! How well do we know survival tips and tricks. Hell, every single day we battle for our lives. We take meds that keep us alive and if we don't take them we can die very easily. If we take too much we can die in hours to minutes, if we don't take them at all, we can either die slowly or super fast depending on where we eat.
One or many of us could easily kick butt.

Backwards 'betic

In each conversation with a diabetic educator when swapping up insulin delivery methods, I am always told to bolus or inject for my food THEN eat. I refuse to do that. Too many times since becoming diabetic I did just that and it bit me in the arse so to speak. I used to do it the "right" way but no more. A few years ago, I had Berry. That meant my food schedule was gone. After a couple days with low blood sugars from not eating all I bolused for, I quit.
Now I only bolus after I eat. Some days I will sit down with a set amount of food already measured, but I sometimes get full before I eat all on my plate. Instead of dropping low from too much insulin on too little food, I only bolus for what I have already eaten.
I get "the look" from my educator or my endo. I don't care and after a few years, they know I'm not going to do it their way.

I don't have hypoglycemic episodes due to meal time carb to insulin ratios being off now. I get hypos for other reasons but tha is not one of those reasons.

There are times like last night where I eat something I have not had in months. I only ate those things after I had Baby Bear and stopped being responsible with my health. I didn't know if they had adverse effects on my numbers or if they had no other effects than normal carbs. Last night I found out. I had about a half dozen Ghirardelli squares. I was hanging normal around 89-115. I was stoked! For every bite of rice cake, chocolate, and peanut butter, I bolused. I woke up at 3am at 156 and corrected. Then I awoke at 6:28 at 311! ACK!
So, no more half dozen chocolate squares with my evening tv watching.

More borrowed blog post ideas

Thanks to Scully at  http://canadiandgal.blogspot.com/ I keep finding old posts and wanting to do 

them for myself half a decade after she has.  I differ from this woman in a lot of ways but thoroughly enjoy reading her blog!


10 years ago I was: In college, in a dead end relationship and retail job. 


5 years ago I was: Married with a newborn and had not worked in 2 years thanks to a cross

 country move and my own fears


 1 year ago I was: Not caring about my diabetes, trying for denial rather than care, and

 wishing my chicks would start laying


 Yesterday I: Learned that Joey Feek died of cancer and Dorian of D-Strong from a facebook

 page I follow is close to the end of his fight against cancer. I fucking hate cancer as much as I do

 diabetes.

 

 Today I:  had great numbers, felt a full range of emotions than in a non-diabetic might qualify as a

person in need of seeking a therapist's help


5 songs I know all the words to: 

- Nearly everything from Garth Brooks

- In My Life by The Beatles

- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

- Fight Song by Rachel Platten

- You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins from Disney's Tarzan soundtrack

5 things I'd do with 1 million dollars: 

-Donate half to a charity 

-create a corporation 

-pay off all my debt, 

-buy my mom a house here 

-put a huge chunk into savings accounts for my kids' educations 


5 favorite TV shows:  

-The Big Bang Theory

-Doctor Who

-Grey's Anatomy

-NCIS

-Rehab Addict


5 biggest joys (In no specific order):

-My girls' laughter

-Making my mom smile

-cuddling with my cats and dogs

-Reading while having a cup of hot tea and not getting interrupted

- Being with Mr K

Mid-afternoon thoughts

My diabetes is a bit of an ass, if you'll pardon my language.
These next words are my imagination based solely on tv and movies, as I've never even seen pot in real life, much less ingested any.
 When I ignore D, she likes to act like a teen with pocket cash and get high whenever the mood strikes and stay that way. Like a teen who is higher than a kite, when D gets that way, she gets the munchies. Unlike a pot head, when D gets fed, she gets higher, not full, and it's a really mean cycle of hunger and hyperglycemia. Unlike pot heads, D will not just come down after a while. That nasty brat stays high until given insulin.
Like I said, D can be an ass.

I've been binge reading today.

So I found that blog I posted about previously.  I checked out the blogger's profile which led me to the blogs she followed. I've been skimming through that list. More and more I am seeing blogs written by moms of type 1s. These are little kids with T1 I was 15 when I was diagnosed. That was hard enough to be in high school and already trying to get lost in the crowd when suddenly I am thrust into the world of medically different.
These kids, one was a toddler! I am a mom now and would gladly live every day having to inject and test every 15 minutes without sleep than see my children diagnosed with this evil bastard. As "my" disease, I got this. I can make this bastard my bitch and reign it in. The idea of my children having it? That terrifies me in a visceral way. Just the thought makes me want to go sneak over to them while they sleep and test their blood.

I despise diabetes, what it has done to me because I let it, what it has changed in my life and how it has screwed with my mental clarity. I also thank God for my life because I believe He has a plan for me and led me through all this to get me to where I am today.  I simply pray, hope, and have faith that my girls are okay and will never be subject to being type 1.

Friday morning thoughts

Yesterday, I had plans. They were pushed aside for good reasons. I got overly irritated by them getting changed on me.
This is an underlying issue regarding my distaste for unplanned changes. I like happy surprises, but things that change my expectations seem to get under my skin. 

 For example, if Mr K and I pick a day to go out and drive around with no real destination in mind, I'm good with being spontaneous and lackadaisical. If I take a day where I hope to do two or three things, but something comes up and we have to alter those plans or not go at all, I get grumpy. This must be normal, but I feel crazy. 

 I thrive on routine, organization, and serenity. If little things change, it bugs me in a big way.
 

My health is better with routine, I feel happier when see positive results for my efforts.

Onto a different topic.

Books!
I love to read. I have loved looking at books for as long as I can recall. As soon as I learned to read, I was addicted. The only books I don't care for are the ones I am forced to read. I was odd in high school. Books like The Lord of the Flies, The Pearl, and all things Shakespeare bored me to tears. I preferred either fun fiction or heart wrenching memoirs and biographies.  I still haven't had the heart to bring myself to re-read those stories and I have a goal in my mind to do just that one day.

I had a massive personal book collection when I was younger. As I grew older and had a family, I had to reduce for space and storage reasons. That just means I get to enjoy the library more.

My next idea after hitting publish on this random nonsense is to try for a few minutes of yoga. Wish me luck!

Lazy day in ruins.

My plan was to do nothing more strenuous than feeding then animals today. That plan changed when my sister needed help. I was obligated to look human while I did responsible things. I got them done but by the time everything was done, it was mid-afternoon.
Now, it is nearly 6pm, I am reading a blog (recently found) called http://canadiandgal.blogspot.com/. The author is Scully, and she is awesome.I'm reading it in chronological order. This is something she posted back in September 2010 as part of invisible illness awareness week. I'm reviving the idea and posting my own answers.
30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know:
 1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes, hypothyroidism

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2000

3. But I had symptoms since: for 6 months before my diagnosis in the year 2000

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Giving up my dream of joining the military and

 becoming a Park Ranger 

5. Most people assume: no clue, I don't badger others about their thoughts on me

6. The hardest part about mornings are: remembering to take my levothyroxine

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Currently it's Grey's Anatomy for fiction and save My Life: 

Boston Trauma for nonfiction

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my insulin pump

9. The hardest part about nights are: falling asleep

10. Each day I take __ pills and vitamins. (No comments, please) 1

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: am not trying any

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: a curable one

13. Regarding working and career:  I have put a career on hold to raise kids

14. People would be surprised to know: I really like reading biographies and memoirs

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: the overwhelming effort it takes

 to get and stay healthy

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: have healthy kids

17. The commercials about my illness: What commercials, all they ever address is Type 2

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  Dreaming about how my careers

 would go.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: not worrying about what the food I ate did to my body

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: yoga, and learning about 

hiking/backpacking

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I don't feel abnormal, but if I didn't 

have to test my blood, I would enjoy a bike ride more

22. My illness has taught me:  that the side effects of having a high A1c can be annoying as hell. 

23. Want to know a secret? I hate it when type 2s only on pills think they truly "get" what I go through

24. But I love it when people: Treat me normally and don;t ask if I can eat anything

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough time is:  She is clothed in strength and dignity, she can laugh at the day to come. Proverbs 31:25

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Some days are better than others, keep

 testing and don't give up

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How awful my bloodsugars

 can make me feel

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Mr K took care of me

 all day. Fed me, supplied me with drinks, and did all the childcare that weekend

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: n/a just found the blog post and figured my

 mom (my only read as far as I know)

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Thank you, Mom. You are awesome for reading this blog.

Glucose levels fail but emotionally awesome day.

Today, My K and I celebrated our anniversary. We saw a movie, had dinner, and just spent time together. I accompanied him to the same city he worked and shopped while he worked. I fond an amazing new purse. This is huge for me. Every time I go to a thrift store or a regular retail place, I check out the bag selections. I have been using the same old go-to purse since I was a freshman in college. It's olive drab and I love it, but she is getting on in years. Well today, I went walking past the seasonal bins at in Target, you know those bins with items for $1, $3, and $5. I found this beauty:

(Image taken from internet, not the bag I bought)

It is not exactly identical as the patterning is variable but it accurately shows the new purse. This thing rocks! I love it and it fits everything I need to carry for diabetes management, and has room left over for mom-related things. Win!

After I found that gem, I wandered through the clothes. Found a nice sweater with Darth Vader on it, but I refused to get it because I don't like Vader. I prefer the rebels rather than the Empire. I'm a gal who likes the nice guys, the good guys, those on the light side. So Vader gear is not my thing. But it was a nice style and if they'd had R2D2 or C3PO, Chewie, or especially that scruffy looking nerf herder- I would be wearing it right now.

After Target, I stopped in an perused the local thrift store, and saw they's rearranged the shelving and had fewer items, so I took that as a Godly nudge that I didn't need anything there.
Once Mr K was done with work stuff, we went to see The Force Awakens again. We loved it even more the second time! After the movie, we drove into the larger city, where we had a lovely meal. Barbecue hit the spot. Overall this was the best day.
My sweet sister watched the girls for us, and it made it possible to take the day for ourselves.

My bloodsugars ran high today. This is still a learning experience for me. I used to not test regularly, and got complacent. I no longer felt highs unless they were up near 400 or above. These last few days have been amazing. I am seeing what certain foods do to my numbers.  I ate candy and popcorn and learned that I definitely and more sensitive to some candies over others.


I'm done rambling. Getting sleepy and feeling like I can't concentrate anymore.

New blog title!

This blog has become more about my struggles with getting my health in check and less about my life with Berry and Bear.
In the way things go, the title of this little bit of my life has changed. I feel the new name more accurately represents my words here.
These last few days have been a new honeymoon with diabetes. My numbers have been amazing and I have been keeping track of each bit of food I've eaten and it helps to keep a food log. I can see  when I don't eat, when I over-indulge, and when I eat just right, how each of those things affect my numbers.

Then yesterday, we went to a Chinese buffet. I kicked ASS at guessing my carb count and didn't spike. I failed at the caloric intake and suffered mentally knowing I was over the daily allotment. Not a huge deal. I made up for it today by fasting and watching my numbers hover int he higher end of the normal range. Then dinner. BIL made dirty rice and corn muffins. I ate my fill and calculated the amount and either I failed at calculations, or I forgot to treat my already high glucose. I had spiked after eating a  pb&j and a pb fold-over. I'm unsure of what happened, but the result was a currently spiking high of 309 at last test.
I'm coming down now and really hope I don't crash.

My life is immersed in calories, kids and carbs.
The worst thing about this current phase is telling my two year old that she cannot have mommy's treats. A two year old is not quite understanding that mommy's a diabetic and if I don't keep this junk in my room for when I need it, I could drop too low and go into a coma and die.  Heavy talk for a toddler, you know?

For the first time in FOREVER!

My numbers have been great!
I decided that keeping track of my carbs wasn't enough. I dedicated my energies to counting calories and carbs today. I tested before eating EVERYTHING! It worked!
I managed to keep my numbers normal all day until just a few minutes ago when it spiked to 205. I didn't weigh the exact amount of rice cakes, and was off on my estimation and my blood went high. Lesson learned.
Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make it better.
Back to today. I am below 1800 calories. That is my goal. It's a number I saw on my hospital caloric restrictions when I was admitted as a teen. They automatically lumped me in with the Type 2s and restricted my intake. That is another story for another day.
Well, their magical number was 1800, so that was my goal today.
Since the new year began I've put on 8 pounds. This is a common and known side effect of proper insulin usage. It causes weight gain. My blood glucose being in a healthy range means my body is utilizing the food I eat, rather than my body burning through its fat stores.  The result being my body is able to hold onto and rebuild those fat stores. This also means I need to watch what sorts of fats I eat and reduce the amount of empty calories. No more binge snacking on cheese. That's out. Healthy diabetes friendly food. Clean eating is my goal for now. I do not have the answers, I am going with my gut here.
Healthy life means hard work in application and not just theoretical knowledge. I have to put forth the effort, I need to keep track of everything, I have to test my blood, and I need to record it all in a logbook. It means that when I feel like I am going low, I need to STOP what I'm doing and treat it then and there, not wait until I'm loopy can't verbalize my needs. It means that when I eat, I must eat it all and not share a bite with my kids.
I have had three eye surgeries int he last two years because of my own denial and laziness. I do not want to have any more body parts removed. My own lenses were ENOUGH. I do not wish to part with and fingers, toes, or extremities, not organs nor my life. I'm 31 and have the complications beginning that I was warned about over half my life ago.
I'm done rambling for now. Aside from one bad reading, today was a raging success to me.

Ridiculous commercials

I hate those clementine orange commercials and use them as example of what not to do in a store. My kids saw the one where the kid was screaming at his dad but only stopped in front of those oranges. I let them know that was very baa behavior and if they EVER tried it, we would leave the store, and they were getting nothing fun. I may take the commercial too seriously but I am not going to be manipulated by a tantrum.
Mama don't play that way,
Heck, every commercial for those oranges irritates me and I refuse to buy that brand.
Most other commercials that play on "kid friendly" stations get under my skin. If it is geared toward a kid, I don't like it. The ONE time my parents let me choose a toy based on a commercial, it was a great disappointment, The toy actually sucked and was nowhere near as fun as the advertising. Since the tender age of 8, I have detested the lies of those advertisements.
As a mom, I avoid my kids seeing them to avoid the "Mommy I want ____!" moments. It works unless we are not home and the only option (if we let them watch tv) is to view a station where those commercials are unavoidable. It's rare but happens.
I'm blessed to have the luxury of subscribing to a satellite service package where we get Disney Jr and BabyFirst TV. Thankfully there are VERY few adverts on Disney Jr and none that I've ever noticed on BabyFirst. When we finally dump subscription tv service, then adverts are no longer an issue, so yay! I'm looking forward to that.

Aside from annoying kid-centric commercials, I cannot tolerate 99% of those on every other station. Hillshire Farms "go meat" jingle is one I like even though I don't buy their products.

I have an inverse reaction to advertising. Even if the ad is meant to be annoying so it's remembered, I specifically avoid mentioning a product by it's name and simply purchase the competitor's product.

Thanks to some creepy or annoying Superbowl ads, there are at least three brands I will avoid until I can look at an item without mentally crying from the sheer torment by poor brain suffered through.


I can not be the only one who reacts this strongly to commercials, right?

Another failed morning.

Take 1-
Around 11am.
 Trying to type for the second time, but just for a minute. Blood-sugar was 105 this am. Berry won't stop interrupting my thoughts so whatever I was going to type is gone. Need to go give the girls a shower as Bear (she needs a new nickname I think) so I'm off for now, will continue later.

Take 2-
It's now just before 5pm.
This day has been rough. I heartily dislike interactive voice recognition software. When a digital program cannot distinguish between two similar sounding letters, it is maddening
Baby Bear was showered and then promptly spilled food on her pants. Kids, haha.
I haven't done a proper session of yoga exercises in days, but I did get an insurance issue dealt with fairly quickly. I dislike calling insurance companies but I love to deal with the staff at my endo's office.
Off from here to attempt to create a home network to transfer photos.

Ponderings

Today has been an amazingly quiet day- we stayed home and hung out together. I'm feeling more confident and scared and hesitant and excited to begin my education in the nursing field.
 Khan academy has been a Godsend for getting my toes wet in the anatomy and physiology field but is so not on the same level as actually taking a course with a professor. There's an issue with my taking the online courses, and that issue is time with my children. I can closet myself away in my bedroom and try to watch the videos, but as soon as I press play, it never fails that one or both girls wants or needs my attention. It got so bad that I stopped doing the courses. This highlights my personal need to continue my education in a more structured environment.

I'm still super excited for this next phase of my life. My dream is to go to classes, do my assignments and studying while on campus and after the girls are in bed. After I get the girls from school, the idea is to get Berry's homework done when needed, work on Baby Bear's lessons for the day, and play. Dinner gets cooked, eaten, and cleaned up. Post dinner will be bath, books, brushing, and bed.
That is the plan. The reality will doubtlessly be much less smoothly running.

It still blows my mind that my Baby Bear is going to be in preschool this fall and my firstborn is starting kindergarten. My five year goal is to have my loans paid off, and money in savings to pay for school related expenses for the girls. This is terrifying and exciting. 

I cannot possibly be the only married mom who has an unused bachelor's degree. I'm also certain it's not unique that I have a degree because I felt expected to attend college after high school, even though I was aimless and had no clue what I wanted in life, and by the time I was feeling even an inkling towards a career goal, felt trapped in my degree path.

No more! No more negative nancy for a boyfriend who degraded my ideas for careers, no more listening to the negativity and self doubts. I KNOW I am intelligent enough to retain information, that I am strong enough to balance a family and an education and my health. I can do this. I have the support of my family, and I am doing this.

Birthday, done right.

I was naughty today. This was my birthday redo. I have a new bank card and replacement driving license on the way, thanks to my klutzy self. Mr K treated me to dinner at our local barbecue joint where we both savored brisket and some amazing sides. We followed up dinner with a stop at the local grocery store. They had one dollar/ounce bottles. I grabbed a caffeine free diet soda and have had my allotted drinks. Now I am sitting, surfing the web, and trying to find healthy lunch ideas to help my sweet husband have interesting meals instead of the same boring few.
 My best birthday gift was a hand drawn card from my Berry Girl. That amazing girl just melts my heart. The next best was Mr. K willingly taking me out for a meal even though he would rather have stayed home to rest, as he is sick.
 Tonight, it is Friday and I am happily home in bed by 9pm, with my best friend at my side.  This is the best type of Friday night in the winter. In more temperate weather, we plan to be outside at the fire pit or even sitting at a campfire.
 Keep in mind, I am an atypical person. I was never into partying or large crowds, ever. I didn't party in high school or college, I didn't go clubbing in my twenties, or whatever the heck it is called today. I stayed home to read and do family stuff and work on my hobbies- from the time I was a small child until now. This sort of evening has always been my ideal. For those with a more outgoing lifestyle and personality, this might not work so well. :-)

Sick birthday for one.

Today is my birthday. Yesterday I went from feeling wonderful with a little "off feeling" in my sinuses. By bedtime last night I was full blown sick with a fever, sinus gunk, and a massive headache.
I took medicine and slept in super late today. Via text and social media, all my friends and family have wished me a happy birthday, and despite physically not feeling well, my spirits are great. Berry and Bear are being well behaved, which helps. I have medicine on board. This evening, the mister will be taking me out for a nice dinner. My plan is to go looking for hiking supplies and then buy a cake so the kids can enjoy something fun.
 I have an Amazon wish list a mile long but the only reasonable thing I want is for someone else to get my van washed. She is carrying around a few pounds of road dust.
  My Mr K brought me fresh coffee in bed and left a fresh pot ready to go for me when I woke up. He is the best.

Vehicular nonsense

I have been lucky that no minivan-killing deer have visited me lately. I'm still driving Cara, my plain jane white Dodge. After having an unknown number of cross country trips in the beast, I am loving some things about her and really disliking others.
Loves:
-she has a dvd player and headphones built-in. Best convenience feature on long road trips when my kids are not yet reading and keep dropping toys. They could have the headphones in their laps and hear a movie without parental intervention. gave them an easy segue into sleeping.
-she had stow-n-go seats so the under the floor storage is where I can keep a first aid kit, jumper cables, a tool kit, and even winter gear as needed.
-she has a roof rack with which we use to strap our soft top cargo carrier down
-she has dual climate control settings in the front row and ability to lock out or allow rear climate control
-many other things I am not getting into today
-we have a 6 cylinder engine and has the power to get up and go as needed
-we have enough cargo room when the back rows of seats are stowed away to haul stuff like a full sized sofa, plywood sheets, mattresses, pea gravel, play sand, concrete mix and various DIY implements. This makes her a beast.
-we installed a tow hitch so we can pull a trailer
Dislikes:
-the cloth seats are not stain resistant
-she is white and shows every speck of dirt we pick up on gravel roads
-she is a brick on wheels and gets low gas mileage
-she is a brick on wheels with front wheel drive and has trouble getting up slick inclines

Overall, my Cara is a fine mommy van.
My realistic dream vehicle for around town and grocery trips is a Subaru Forrester. Four wheel drive, a decent cargo area for groceries, seats five, and just a smaller footprint

My fantasy dream vehicle seats 5; is a hybrid to increase gas mileage; has a roof rack; has an engine-charged generator system so I can plug in a crock pot, a laptop, or tablets as needed; has an entertainment system; has lots of easy to clean storage cubbies; has stow n go seating; basically has everything for convenience and making road trips and in town trips more pleasant.

What it takes to go through with it.

My mental obsession is now hiking. I have only done short day walks, not even hikes, with my husband and daughters. The few things I have found online from the POV of female backpackers living with T1D makes me even more determined to do this as a family.

I so very badly wish to not have to google the medical needs part of hiking. Having to learn that I need to be wary and see how hiking, backpacking, and being that active affect my glucose levels is a pain. I can't just research the items I need to carry, how to build up to the activity with training walks and exercises to improve my stamina. I also have to look into how to adjust my pump settings, which foods may or may not work to sustain a healthy level, ways to keep my pump and extra insulin cool enough on warm days, which foods and types of carbs to avoid to give me sugar spikes and hypos.The sheer amount of calculations and constant vigilance is a lot to absorb.
But it feels like it will be worth it.
Part of going forward with a healthier life means being responsible. Responsibility for my health has been sorely lacking for the last decade and a half.
Doing what it takes to be healthy, active, in control, and living a happier life is worth it.
Since the new year began, I have cut most caffeine out of my daily life. I drink more tea than coffee now. It's improved my sleep patterns drastically, made me less grumpy and irritable, and I feel more rested.
My rested self can focus on tasks more easily. I am able to concentrate, I had the abstract understanding that sleep factored into everything but feeling the changes really drove home the knowledge.

Experiencing positive results firsthand gives me a boost to my confidence that I can do this.
It's bittersweet because I gave up on my dreams of being a park ranger due to my intense fear of failure. I won't dwell on the past but I WILL change my future.

Feeling inspired

I don't make resolutions each new year. I make up in my mind a hopeful goal to be healthier but never actually make a solid resolution.
This year I just went with it. I want to be healthy. After spending half my life with bad A1c numbers (the only time they were ever near normal was during my pregnancies), suffering from some of  the foretold complications, and just feeling overwhelmed with this juggling act and failing, I am DONE.
I am feeling more confident in my abilities to manage my diabetes and integrating the needed changes into my daily life. I have dreams and a conscious desire for a career. I cannot do that if I am slowly killing myself with complications.
This year, I am going to actively strive for control. I will force myself to get my lazy self up and test my blood. I will use that hunk of plastic I call Violet in the manner intended. I may even *gasp* try the CGM again.
This year I want to get things done. I want to be the mom my girls deserve. I want to be the active supportive wife my husband deserves. I want to be a healthy person so my family does not worry over me.
To achieve these wants, I need organization and self discipline.

Each time I leave my house, I need to carry my supplies, and with it being wintertime, I can't just leave a set of supplies in my van. That whole sub-freezing temperatures thing makes a popsicle out of a vial of insulin. Frozen insulin = no insulin. This means I need to conscientiously pack a purse. This thing needs to have a source of glucose, extra insulin, syringes, replacement sites, my meter kit, along with other paraphernalia needed as a mom. I dislike purses, as I can never find one I like that is functional.  Anyone who has ever met me in person knows I am not a girly girl. Hell, I'm in my thirties and just now am accepting of pink colored things.  The lack of my  girliness means I don't go purse shopping just for the fun of it. I don't have a plethora of choices. I'm more of a solid color canvas tote type of girl. This means I have to find a new purse for my diabetic needs. Joy!
Once I get used to carrying everything in a purse again and being a good 'betic and actually testing regularly (rather than as an afterthought when I wake up feeling hungover despite not having alcohol in forever and finding my meter greeting me with actual words rather than a number) it will be easier to lug around a bag. I prefer my phone in one back pocket, my cash or card in another, and my keys at my hip. That doesn't work well with being prepared for an emergency, so a purse or bag it is.
If anyone actually reads this thing, do you use a bag or purse to carry your diabetes accouterments?

A new hobby?

I get something from my mom, and I love it.
As a child, I noticed my mom would get on "kicks" as I call them. She would find a hobby and go at it full force for a while, then taper off, keep the supplies for the hobby, and move on to another one. She had a cycle of them and every few months would move on.
I am the same way. I have my hobbies. I love: to read; being outdoors in nicer weather (not below freezing nor above ninety degrees Fahrenheit); gardening and seeing things I plant and nurture grow to produce fruit or flowers, even though my thumb is in the tan shades rather than a vibrant green; crafting; building with Legos; jigsaw puzzles; and exploring.
My newest fancies are day hiking, camping, and exploring the local state parks. When something new piques my interest, it's time to learn about it. I read voraciously, ask people for personal experiences, look up "hacks/tips" and I prepare myself for following through.
Some things don't pan out but others are wins. I'm praying for peace and guidance on family camping.

Spring Camping!

Since my impending educational leap is set to begin this autumn, I have a goal for the spring.
I wish to go camping.
My idea is as follows:
1. camp in back yard for a trial run and all that entails.
2. build a campfire in backyard as trial run for fire, cooking over a fire, and reinforcing safety rules about fire for the girls.
3. make a list of  items we may need to build or buy for real camping
4. take the plunge and go camping for real, deciding on
        A. pack our stuff and hike to a campsite
    or
        B. hike around the chosen area then set up camp by our van, as              the campsites are road accessible?
5. fine tune the things we didn't like or that didn't work well for us.


Pinterest, that diabolical time suck of inspirational ideas, has given me an enormous supply of camping educational tips/hacks/must-do/must-have/never-evers.

If anyone ever actually read the blog, this is where I would ask for the readers' favorite things and most hated things about camping.
Instead, I am pinning like a madwoman and reading and researching. Why not do it now, when I can make lists and plans and slowly gather items over time rather than wait. If I waited til the spring to research i will find out it costs more than I expect, all my ideas cost more in time or money than I expect, it seems. Ha.

Family time.

The girls and I are going to follow my sweet husband to work out-of-town this week. We leave in about 7 hours.  Everyone else is sleeping. I, however, am wide awake.
My goal for this trip is to be with my daughters and have quality one on two time with them for the few days we are away.
There is a hotel pool but am hoping the allure of a whirpool tub is more to their liking. I'm intimidated by having two kids who are not strong swimmers alone in a pool.

This year I am going back to school. I plan to attend a pre-nursing program at the local community college. It's a start for my career, which I have finally settled on after going through and getting a BA in a completely different field. This feels right.
Berry girl will be starting Kindergarten in the fall and Baby Bear will be going to preschool. Mommy will be starting as well, hopefully once all the financial things are taken care of.

I am working very hard to control my diabetes. Due to changes with my chosen insulin pump's company, My plan is to switch to a new pump. I tried out the omni pod and it just is not for me.

Animal count is as follows:
 2 dogs, 3 cats, and 4 hens.
 All but one hen has stopped laying for the winter, despite there being an artificial light source. That's alright. The coop is built but I think it could use some more fine tuning this spring, when we have some warm weather to work with. They need a permanent run to go with the coop. For now they free range and that is how I lost one of my white hens and we only have 4 now. She never came home and I am certain she became a meal for a hawk. It's been so long since I've posted here that I cannot recall if I've mentioned the kittens. I found a family with some barn kittens and picked out two of them. They were supposed to be males named Leonard and Sheldon but we were wrong and they are females and are actually Penny and Bernadette. They will be spayed next month, so yay for not having a pack of feral cats sprout from our garage. Responsible barn cat ownership for the win. I promised Mr K these kittens would be outdoor animals and they are (now) but because we had to have them separated from Scooter until they were old enough to defend themselves in case he attacked them, they lived inside for a few months. Penny is the larger of the two, she is a grey tabby who loves to cuddle, play and step on my keyboard. Bernie is smaller, and a tuxedo coated gal who is a ferocious hunter. She bagged a small wild rabbit when she was a few months old. It was bigger than her. Granted, I think the poor hare had a heart attack and was not actually killed by the then tiny kitten, but last week, she caught a squirrel that was her size, not including its tail. I know she actually caught and killed it due to walking into the garage at the moment when said nutty bandit was struggling against her hold on its neck in futility. Some may think me cruel to have let it happen but we got both kittens to help control the rodent population. We live in the middle of a stretch of forest surrounded by farmland. Critters abound and we prefer them not to live the high life within our domicile. Enter the kittens. Barn cats are awesome.
This spring, my goal is to make time to do more yoga. I like what little I have tried on my own.
Hoping to sleep soon. I've finally fogured out the cause for the insomnia-like wakefulness. I had two sips of coffee at 5pm. Apparently caffiene does affect me. I've cut out caffeine after 2pm in an effort to have a more regulr sleep pattern. It works. Most nights I am out by midnight. Tonight, though, I can feel the sluggish alertness that comes from coffee ingested late int he afternoon. If I didn't love the ritual of drinking coffee so much, I'd cut it out of my routine for good. I've replaced coffee with herbal teas and man do they help.