Day 30 - end of the daily posts...

but not of this daily fight to live.
I hope I've shed some light to those of you without T1D, or another chronic illness about life with this incurable, supposedly manageable, life threatening at a moment's notice, infuriating, depressing, unreasonable, irreconcilable, confusing, and annoying medical condition.
I will not willingly let T1D kill me. I will fight with everything I have to keep my bloodsugars under control. I will use what diabetes has taught me to help others and be encouraging, and most of all I will use my faith to help me win.

Day 29 - my life in a few short words

Low, eat, high, treat, low, eat, still low, eat more, level, eat, low, high, treat, and bed.

Even when I have big home-based projects going on, life revolves around maintaining my bgs so I can do them.
Today was a good day, a busy one, but a good one. Thank you, God for these days.

Day 28- alcohol and T1D

I am not a big drinker. I never got wasted before I was legal to drive, vote, or drink. I had my first sip of anything alcoholic a few weeks before my twenty first birthday.
I never really drank much until I got married and felt like I had a safe person with whom I could let go and test my limits. I got sick drunk a few times in my era of delinquent diabetic life. Now I will have the occasional glass of sweet wine, or a fruity mixed drink.
I learned what I enjoy, what I can tolerate, and what messes up my bloodsugars.
I can't really drink most liquors without an extremely fine balancing act which an alcohol softened brain will fail at maintaining. I can have about 8 ounces of moscato with no ill effects. I don't enjoy beer but will drink it when out of options at a social gathering.
Unless my bloodsugars are out of whack to begin with, I rarely drink enough water in a day much less any other beverages outside of coffee, so if I go out to a restaurant, I order water, it costs nothing and I have a refreshing cool drink  rather than another caffeine laced diet soda.
Tonight, I am going on day 5 of 4 hours of sleep at night or less, so I opened a bottle of wine, had a glass of it and am heading to  bed early so I can actually fall asleep before 3am.
As a woman, I am wary on drinking anywhere. As a wife, I make sure one of us is safe to drive when we are out, as a mom, there is no consumption if the husband is traveling. As a T1, I base my choices on how hard I wish to battle the blood.  Some days it's worth the extra blood tests and others, I say forget it and stick to water.

Day 27 making something fun

Before the wonders of the internet, and the development of the online diabetes community, diabetes gear was boring and made me feel old and boring.
 After I stumbled upon the idea of decorating my gear, life got infinitely better. I started with trying to find and pretty-up different containers for my meter, painting the meter, an utilizing Pump Peelz stickers for my pumps, I changed pumps.
This opened up the world of omni pod decorating. It's been so much fun to have little bits of art decorating my skin. No two pods have looked the same I will use temporary tattoos, stickers, or craft paint, and nail polish. I let the media dry, and mod podge over it to seal it. So far, so good. The only pods I don't have now are the ones I've had to send back to insulet to figure out why they failed.
I have used nail polish to paint my meters, and the bit of glittery girly all over this boring life saving device makes this unmanageable manageable condition less crappy.
 There are so many ways to have a little fun with our medical equipment, and I appreciate the online diabetes community.

Day 26- you can't quit this damnable thing

Some days I want to quit. I want to just ignore everything and stop testing, bolusing, and caring.
I cant do that, because if I do, I will suffer and eventually or quickly die.
I prefer living, so even when I am dragging myself along through the day, I care for my health.

In college, I studied, I worked part time, and I read. I did not care for myself. I'd go days without injecting (I was on shots in the beginning of college) fast acting insulin and barely remember to dose the 24 hour stuff.

After many hospitalizations, I went to the pump and still didn't test but at least I was getting insulin on a regular basis.
It took having a husband and children who depend on me to really get through to me. These days, I test my bloodsugar as needed, I mostly remember to bolus for all the food I eat, though some days I forget I have T1D. I will sit down a the table, say Grace, dish up the food, cut the meats for the kids, and begin eating. Usually after a bite or two, it hits me. Dumbass, insulin! So I grab my PDM and bolus. There are better days where I keep my T1D in mind and pre-bolus. Each day is different, each blood glucose reading tells me where I am at, and still I keep going.
I can't quit my self-care. I don't want to die from this damn disease.

Day 25 twelve hours in he drivers seat

I drove over 700 miles today. Even on my best days I struggle to come up with topics to write about this close to the end of the month of November.
Type 1 have taught me to persevere, so despite my utter exhaustion, and the fact that it's now past midnight, I am writing something.

T1D can scare the crap out of you with no warning. tonight, after hour 8 in the car, I felt a sudden "low" and managed to communicate with the husband, who was driving the other vehicle, that we needed to stop. I checked my BG and it was close to 300. It had been high all day because I did NOT want to go low while driving. Maybe it was a buzz from the soda energy drink I consumed, but it wasn't a low! That is a victory for me.

Day - 24

When you have a low blood sugar, you feel like your brain doesn't work. When you're going high, you feel kind of off but lucid.
But when your blood sugars are in range, you feel great.
I am so thankful for the minutes, sometimes hours, when my numbers are in range.
I don't feel like an oddball, freak, weirdo, invalid, person with a chronic illness.
I love when I'm in range. I don't feel like a failure! I feel like I can actually manage this condition. sometimes, I just revel in the moments where my body isn't battling to live, where the fight isn't as tough.
I don't resent my body and hate my autoimmune responses.
This is a short post because those times are short lived, and the feelings are easily encompassed in a few words.
Just enjoy the good times!

Day 23- "What I'm thankful for....

ain't on no list
For it only in my heart exists
For time has helped me understand
The things I can't hold in my hand"

Those words are the title and first few lines to a song released last year on Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood's Christmas album. I love that song and feel deeply in my soul how true those lyrics are for me.
In addition to that song and all its deep meaning, there ARE things I am thankful about and for and they are on this list:
 -God, my faith, and His grace
 - My family- trite and I don't care. From those who raised me and loved me as I grew to those who love me now and whom I watch grow.
 - My husband- that man has dealt with so much with me and my ill health, and my personality. He knows me, loves me, and thinks he is the lucky one when I know darned well I had Him guiding us together.
 -Medical technology and very specifically those who made the Dexcom CGM and Omni pods possible.
 - Dr Frederick Banting. Without him and his colleagues in the field, I would have died in my teens.
 - Every opportunity God has seen fit to offer me to practice patience, understanding, and love - when all I want to do is throw a fit and ignore the situations; and especially that He doesn't give up on me, and continues to offer me these chances to shore up my weak points.
 - Hope. I am thankful for a positive outlook and hope still burns in me that I will not screw my children up, that I will not ruin everything with which I've been blessed.

Day 22 - busy just being

Yesterday I meant to post something, anything that would be related to type 1 diabetes, but the day got away from me. We weren't all that busy, but we were simply being together. There was unexpected things for the day which left the four of us alone and we simply enjoyed the company of our children. It's a vacation.
That is the point of this late post. Even though we have a chronic/ invisible/ lifelong medical condition sometimes we just need to take a darned break. We need to let ourselves off the hook if we aren't in range, accept that our lives cant be completely revolving around our medical issues.
Yesterday, I played with my children, laughed with my husband, and sipped coffee without a driving need to be anywhere. It was exactly perfect.

Day 21 - swimming with T1 and the omni pod

The hotel we chose for vacation had a swimming pool and a hot tub. I love hot tubs, they are one of the few things that help me stay warm. Unless I'm up and moving, I stay chilled. We chose to go into the hot tub the other day, and my omni pod was due to be changed later that night. When I got out the water, my pod was beginning to fall off but the canula was still hanging in there. We got to the room and all dried off and ready for bed. I used skin-tac, band aids then by sheer luck it stayed on-for two minutes, then my leg smashed the corner of a desk and bam! Off came the pod. I placed a new one, and all was good.
 Until the next afternoon, barely 12 hours later my new pod alarmed a failure. Placed yet another one and thankfully this one is holding steady!
 For many people, going into water for long term use and are fine, others have to use skin tac or similar products and/or adhesive patches to keep the pods on when needed. I don't typically take long baths or go swimming, so I didn't remember to "pre-treat" the pod before hand, so it essentially sloughed off.
 The new pod is going strong, no alarms, no static discharge and a pod that is thankfully still pumping well-knock on wood!

Day 20 -- fear

Each night I have a fear shared by other people with Type 1.
I am scared I won't wake up.
The idea that my bloodsugar will drop in the night, I won't wake up and feel it, and I'll die. This is not an irrational fear.
I have safeguards in place. I make sure my bg is a little higher at bedtime, I ensure I have slow burn carbs in my system, use Dexcom, and pray.
I've woken up so low and out of it before I was drenched in sweat, my sheets were soaked and I couldn't speak. I had one instance of that happening and I couldn't make body work to move to wake my husband. I found my voice and croaked out for help. thank God he heard me and woke up. He treated my low and I can't be more appreciative of a spouse who takes on the role of caretaker when I am unable to do for myself.
Another time I woke up in the same scenario but he was out of town. I keep low snacks in bed when he's gone, so I was able to ingest sugar.
My other associated fear is dying at night while my husband is out of town, and my girls wake up and I am gone. The reality of this awful chronic condition is that my children have had to learn skills other kids don't. I've had to teach  my children to call 911 if mommy won't wake up (which kids ought to know in my humble opinion) but also that they need to find mommy's meter and test me, and if I am low, force jelly in my mouth. They've helped me before when I was low but have never gone so low that I've passed out and needed rescue assistance.
I don't want diabetes to kill me. High blood sugar is the slow killer while low blood sugar is that super fast killer. I can go from fine to coma in a very short time span.
Onwards to another day of this balancing act.

Day 19- hotel guessing games

 When we travel, we usually use points from my husband's job to pay for rooms in a hotel. This is a huge financial blessing for us, and makes it possible to visit family far away.
 the hotels we choose tend to have complimentary breakfast choices, and sometimes those are amazingly easy for car counting, like fresh or hard boiled eggs, fresh fruit, and single served cereal boxes. Other times they have cinnamon rolls or other pastries, and these can be a bit tricky to calculate carb counts and bolus for.
 I try to stick to meats and proteins, eggs, bacon, and cheese are the ways to my heart, and work best for my managements. I call 'em slow burn carbs.

Going out for a meal or having food delivered is a nice  thing, and the delivery is especially nice as where we live, people don't deliver tat far out of town.
I prefer to use good ole google to find nutrition info, when possible.

We also tend to pack snacks in a cooler and I write the carbs per serving or singe unit on the bags. Big help for me and for distributing snacks to the kids on the road.

I  greatly appreciate when the hotel we choose has a minifridge in the room. I can store my perishables and my insulin without worry.

Day 18 - travel is a headache with T1D

Traveling can be so much fun. We get to see places and people we haven't seen in a long time. When you have T1D, you not only have to pack all the normal things one would when going out of town for a few days. I travel by car normally, so having to keep my luggage under a weight limit is not concerning for me.
 I pack my clothing in one bag, my toiletries and electronics in another, and all the medical supplies get their own bag. In addition,  I carry my purse EVERYWHERE. I have my everyday supplies with me at all times- low snacks, new pod, emergency insulin vial, glucagon, syringes, and extra test strips. When traveling, I take a fortnight's worth of pods, a fresh vial of insulin, and two extra Dexcom sensors. I also pack ibuprofen, bandaids, and other miscellaneous first aid supplies because I am a total klutz.

When arranging baggage in a sedan, clothes and items that won't be harmed in freezing or unbearably hot weather get stashed in the trunk, while electronic and medical "crap" stay in the passenger area. Nothing like needing a pod change and having spoiled insulin.

I prefer to bring along extras, it makes me feel safe knowing my arse is covered if I have complete medical device failure.

Along with knowing the medical paraphernalia I must lug along anywhere away from home comes the trouble with bloodsugars. We drive a dozen hours one way to see family in one part of the country. That means hours of sitting and doing squat, playing the "I have the munchies but can't work off the carbs game" so I must choose to rage bolus and enjoy my ride or be less indulgent. Sometimes when I go the route of indulgent and bolus crazy, I get it right, and I stay in range. Other times I've gone high and still others have gone low. Again with the same routine, different results deal.

Day 17 - caring for yourself when you don't have the desire

This is not just a Type 1 thing, this is a thing applicable to any chronic illness.
This post was written last night, as today I am busy packing for a trip.

I am exhausted. I woke up at 5am, and was on the go until 9pm, with a brief 30 minute break at 10am.
I've managed to eat one meal today. I've ingested about 20 ounces of coffee and 10 ounces of hot tea.
My omni pod needs to be replaced. It's expired, so I have to put a new one on.  This means I must get up, grab the insulin, a new pod, my pdm, and prep it all. I have to undress to access the new site, and wait for 30 minutes after for m y pdm to do this annoying as hell alarm to check bg after a site change. This one feature drives me bonkers, but I digress.
I have done countless loads of laundry, did some prep work for my daughter's school, driven a LOT today, cleaned my kitchen, cared for animals, kids, and myself and I am just SO TIRED. My body feels heavy, I can hardly form coherent thoughts and I have had to use spell check quite a bit in this post.

I am simply done-but I can't be done.
I will get up and replace my pod. I will make sure my bloodsugar is in a safe range so I don't drop low and die tonight, I will swallow my thyroid pill, and I will set my alarm to wake up early again tomorrow because it will be another very loooooong day.
It is all worth it.

Day 16 - vision issues

I am in my early 30s. I was a delinquent diabetic for years. The result of that is I have had damage to my vision. I started out with needing glasses but never wore them as I managed to drive fine and I pre-planned where I needed to go. My sight was limited for distance. I had trouble reading road signs from long distances.
Once the diabetes did it's damage to my eyes, I developed the beginning stages of diabetic retinopathy. That phrase means that the tiny capillaries in the backs of my eyeballs have burst. If this worsens I will go blind.
Another complication I developed was cataracts. I had surgery to remove the affected lenses and had artificial ones placed. Due to scar tissue, I had another surgery a year later to remove that.
 Now, I wear no-line bi-focal glasses that allow me to read and to see long distances more easily.

Driving at night is uncomfortable thanks to starbursts of light from all light sources. It is doable but not what I prefer.

As always I fight my own body so I don't lose even more of myself.

Day 15- exhaustion

There is a thing called diabetes burn-out. It happens and is serious.  We get fed up with doing everything "right" and still getting number that are out of range. We do everything "right" and still get sick, heal slower, get sicker faster, and are considered high risk for certain things. It gets old and tiresome to prick our fingers-that crap can hurt, and it especially sucks if a nurse has to do it because they use "bone-depth" lancets that bleed far much longer and leads to too much blood that oozes for a long time after they get the tin drop needed. We get irritated when our insulin pump infusion sites kink, fail, rip off, and get cut by who knows what, when our omni pods fail for no reason and we waste precious units of insulin, when our vials get dropped and shatter, spilling those life saving droplets all over the floor, when our vials or pens get too hot or cold and no longer work.
It can happen because no matter how hard we fight our bodies, we lose mini battles. Our numbers et to high from every little thing and we must dose massive amounts of insulin to make it get into a safe range. Our numbers go low, and in the middle of the night we lost precious sleep eating or drinking sugar so we don't die, then having to brush our teeth AGAIN so we don't get cavities and put out more money on dental work. The lack of sleep causes our moods to be off sometimes and that can lead to stress which spikes BG, which plays into the vicious cycle of a blood sugar roller coaster.

 We can do everything as prescribed and still have off days and when the off days begin to outnumber the good days, we can feel defeated, worthless, useless, like a drain on our loved ones and guilty for them having to deal with dia-grumpies (my term for bg related asshole moods).

We get burnt out on doing it right and still having results we don't like.

I do not speak for all Type 1 Diabetics, just for myself and others who I imagine might think like myself.

We fight, for our lives, for our health, for understanding and to spread knowledge. We get exhausted and want to give up but we don't.

Day 14- Happy 126th Birthday, Dr Frederick Banting

Today is World Diabetes Day, and is the 126th anniversary of the birth of the man who is responsible for saving my life, decades before I was born.

This article says what I can't eloquently say without plagiarizing anyone:  https://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/medicine/laureates/1923/banting-bio.html

Thanks to him, and all the others who worked so hard for so many years, I and millions of others who battle Type 1 are not dying from starvation and and ketoacidosis.

My day was spent driving all over, caring for my husband who had emergency dental work done this weekend yet still went to work because he was needed. I was planning on a nice long post with facts about Dr Banting but my brain is mush from being on the go for the last 12 hours straight.

Day 13 - dental fear

Dental work terrifies me, how about you?

As a kid I went to the dentist rarely. It wasn't something we did often but was needed at times. As I got into my teens, my parents' insurance changed and we lost dental coverage. When most kids got braces, we didn't. I became ashamed of my teeth, and still am to this day.
After I married, I decided to start with yearly check-ups and saw a dentist who put a deep fear of them in me. In the last few years, I've found a dentist who offer sedation and helps with people who have a phobia of dentists.  They're amazing. They've always been kind. Recently I had a crown placed on one of my molars and something has gone wrong. I apparently had bad decay in that tooth and the nerve is being stimulated now. My regular dentist sent me to an endodontist since their office does not offer that service.  The new guy doesn't offer sedation, so I was duly petrified over the prospect of having them drilling and filling and all sorts of things I've never experienced before. He was as kind as possible and offered a pill sedative to take before the appointment. Wednesday I go back for either a root canal or a permanent filling. I'm still feeling a whole lot of anxiety but trust this endodontist based on his "bedside" manner.
I am also relying heavily on my faith that whatever happens, God will be with me and I will be able to handle it.
So, how do you feel about dentists?

Day 12 - the ridiculous situations in which I've found myself

Have you ever had to administer medication in the middle of Target? Have you had to chug a juice box while paying for food in a drive-through? How about using dollar tree candy to save your life?
Did you know that you can freak out workers in a retail store when your medical device fails and shrieks loudly and insistently-because it is humiliating and hilarious.

I have had infusion sites ripped out while at the grocery store and for me it was not an option to just wait til I get home to replace it, so I've had to lift my shirt and expose my belly to place new medical equipment on myself in the grocery store. More recently, I had omni pods fail in Target, Dollar Tree, the movies, and thrift stores. I've injected insulin to combat a raging high blood sugar in public, and it's simply irritating. I know there are others out there who hate the stigma and attention garnered by doing something so out of the ordinary for those without knowledge of Type 1. Personally after 17 years with this pain in the ass, I really don't give a rip most days and try to be a good "ambassador" to those without T1D.

Just today, I had been running high all morning, drove around the metro area with my family to an emergency dental appointment and shopping until we were able to head home. We had to stop to grab a bite to eat and in the drive-through I felt that sickly weak knee feeling and knew I was low. My Dexcom had just alerted reaffirming my feeling of being low. I grabbed a juice box and bit open the foil hole because I lost the straw. As I handed over payment I was pounding back the juice. It was embarrassing but a medical necessity.

T1D allows very little in the way of modesty sometimes. It's made it to where I've exposed my belly in a grocery store, placed new pods while in the kids clothing section of Target, and tested my blood sugar in so many places, I can't even remember them all.

If you are reading this and don't have Type 1 Diabetes, please make sure you let others know that we don't want to draw attention to ourselves, that we are simply doing what we need to stay alive, and that making a big deal out of it is not the best course of action if you see someone caring for themselves in public. Some of us welcome questions, especially to educate misconceptions and myths, but others prefer to keep their journey with T1D to themselves and dislike the extra attention.

Day 11- dreams ended

With my diagnosis of T1D, my dream of joining the Marine Corps ended.
I had plans to sign up after high school, become a Marine, and serve my country.
That ended the moment my doc said "You have Type 1 Diabetes" and my plans were shredded.
I lost my goal, I lost my hopes and dreams. I also gained a deeper appreciation for those who COULD serve by defending our nation.
I learned more about other options, and started new dreams, new goals.

I changed my plan from being a member of our military to getting a college degree. I had never had plans to be a mother, but knew I wanted a husband one day.

Over the following years, my goals were reached, and my plans changed even more. I have infertility issue and am beyond thankful for God blessing us with two babies who made it to birth and are thriving little girls now. We were also blessed with a third pregnancy but that one didn't end up with a live baby, we lost that one early on. We planned on the number of children we would have but T1D, hypothyroidism, and ultimately God let us know we would have to adjust our plans to just our two girls.

One thing about Type 1 that I dislike greatly, and need to learn to accept without anger more fully, is its ability to change my plans, both short and long term.

Day 10- when bad days are made worse by raging blood sugars

Some days suck. It's life. Things go wrong, people get fevers, have grumpy moods, or all the little things irritate you.
One those really crappy days that start out rough from the moment I wake up, my bloodsugars play into the cycle of crappy moments. I get irritable when they get too high and then all the mild irritations seem way worse. Then I get more ticked and they get higher. I take more insulin and it makes me feel worse emotionally because I know it means that is just one more thing making it hard to lose weight.
Sometimes I just let go, eat what I want, rage bolus like a madwoman, and pray tomorrow is a better day. That can help by reducing my stress levels, which helps the BGs return to a normal range. Other days I get pissy and work harder to get them in range, take less insulin and go without eating and exercise more.
Today is a bad BG day, an emotionally crappy day, and physically I feel like hell because of both those factors on top of dental issues.
I haven't decided on how I will fight the highs- but I will fight because a slow death from organ and tissue damage is not what I want, no matter how bad of a day I can have.

Day 9- My faith and coping with a chronic invisible illness

I am posting about my own journey and do not even dream of speaking or others on this issue.

I am Catholic. My faith has been part of me since I was born. My mother is Catholic, and my father was a man whobelieved strongly in God, but held an extremely strong dislike of organized religion after being raised as "hard shell southern baptist" according to him.
I was raised with Catholic beliefs, but was a Catechumen (un-baptized at all)  until I was 20. Things happened in my babyhood with my family that led my lack of baptism. I was a typical teen and questioned God, whether He was real or made up, and all sorts of things teens may do when questioning everything ever taught to them because, well, they're teenagers.
I was diagnosed at age 15, smack in the middle of that questioning phase. I never felt atheist, it was more a period of agnosticism, I guess?
As I learned to live with this illness, and got through the stages of grief associated with a life changing diagnosis, my faith became stronger. I had the event of dating my first boyfriend shortly before turning 17, who was a practicing Catholic and began attending Mass regularly when he was home from college. It sparked in me the desire to get married in the church and to do that, I needed to be fully be a member of the church.
It wasn't until I was 18 that I began RCIA classes, but due to my lack of consistent self care, my health deteriorated and I stopped attending classes for a while, a year passed, and I returned with a renewed desire to becoming Catholic. In the spring of 2005, I was baptized, confirmed, and received the Eucharist. My faith felt stronger than ever, but college and my health were at the forefront of my mind, and so my health went downhill yet again.
I stopped attending Mass, emotionally, I was drowning in the failures of high A1cs, being put on another lifelong medication thanks to a second autoimmune diagnosis, and just feeling crappy.

Through all this, I still believed in God, the church, and have felt at peace and at home as a Catholic.

After a number of years dating one guy, we ended things. The affection just went stagnant. To this day, I am happy we ended things, and am quite thankful God led me to my husband instead.


Gods been a huge part of my life, even when I was ignoring Him.
He was there when people prayed for me, and when I got over my teen angst and prayed for myself and others. He was there, comforting me when I lost my father to complications from heart surgery. He was there when I lost my childhood dog of twelve years, and my best friend ended her own life. He was there when I met my husband, when we married, when my grandmother died, when my children were born, He is there for it all.

I find great comfort in my faith, through the good and terrible times.

I have people in my life whom I love like family who are atheists, agnostics, those who are faithful to other religions, and that is okay. My faith is a very personal journey, and I am not one o judge for another's faith or lack thereof. That's for them to have, that relationship with Him, or lack of. It's not for me to judge, condemn, celebrate, or bemoan.

For me, my faith helps ease the darkness of depression, the loneliness of living far from extended family, and lessens the fear and frustration of not being able to depend on the physical presence of my husband, who travels for work.

He is there for me in the really bad days of having a chronic illness. He is there to listen when I cry and scream in utter hopeless moments when I am fighting with every thing I have to get my bloodsugars to just stay in range. When I am struggling against insomnia and exhaustion caused by an under active thyroid, when my skin cracks and bleeds because a patch of skin has a psoriasis flare-up, He is there to offer comfort, to listen as I beg for the patience to get through it. He is there for me.

God is how I cope, and I thank Him every day for my faith.

Day 8- a lack of continuity

No two days are ever the same.
I can have two 24 hour periods of time where everything is the same. I eat the same foods at the same times both days. Do the same physical activity the same way both days, dose the exact same amount of insulin for all of this and NEVER have the same blood glucose levels for those 2 24 hour time spans.
 Diabetes is the most unpredictable uncontrollable disease with all the tools to help us do just that.
 Some of us use insulin pumps, CGM systems, meal diaries, meal plans, supplements, MDI (multiple daily injections) via syringe and vial or pre-filled pens, specialized diets that exclude gluten, others that are vegan, and still so many other tools are used. I know some people who go for organic foods with no extra hormones, foods made from scratch at home with alternatives to popular ingredients because those strategies work best for their families.

No one plan fits us all, because we are ALL different and there are so many factors that we can't control.
 Our hormones are always changing, if you're a woman with Type 1, your menstrual cycle can affect your bloodsugar control. EVERYTHING can have a role in altering your BG levels.
So while I may make two days be identical in every controllable way, there are still variables I can't control that impact my bloodsugar. I do my best, and some days are better than others, but the fight never ends.

Day 7- other health issues

Other health issues when you have T1D.
Since T1 is an autoimmune disease, it stands to reason that some of  those with one autoimmune issue have others.
Personally, I have three autoimmune issues. The biggest one is T1, next up is hypothyroidism, and the mild of the three is psoriasis.
The diabetes is treated with insulin and a healthy diet, but there is no cure. The hypothyroidism is treated with synthetic thyroid pills. I treat the skin issues with coconut oil.
Each person with autoimmune issues can have one or more things going on. Our bodies are just super nifty and go a tab bit crazy and wrongly identify perfectly functioning body parts as invaders and set out to destroy them.

I pray that my body is done goofing up the invader identification and I develop no more autoimmune diseases.

Day 6- pregnancy with T1D

 Pregnancy and Type 1.
The ONLY good thing about having T1D is not having to take the glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes.
Other than that, I found the disease to be a royal pain in the neck when I was pregnant. I had the benefit of being on an insulin pump, as it made controlling my BGs slightly easier. If I were to have more children, I imagine the Dexcom will make my control better.

When women have T1D and are pregnant, it can be dangerous for both mom and baby. Early in the pregnancy, high BGs can lead to birth defects and miscarriage. In the late stage of pregnancy, hyperglycemia can cause higher birth weight of babies, which can make it harder for vaginal deliveries, resulting c-sections- opening up another round of complications associated with a major abdominal surgery. Maternal hyperglycemia also causes hyPOglycemia in newborn babies, usually remedied  by feeding the baby or with IV dextrose if the case calls for it.
 Low blood glucose levels at any point in the pregnancy can lead to unconscious, coma, and death, as with any time in the life of a person with T1D, but are not as harmful the the unborn as is hyperglycemia.

The goals of women with T1D are usually to conceive with a safe, low HbA1c, and when that does not happen, to lower it by increasing frequency of checking blood sugar and treating the numbers appropriately. Unlike the movie "Steel Magnolias" women with T1D CAN and DO have healthy pregnancies, healthy babies, and will not automatically die from kidney disease, thanks to advances in technology.

All this said- insulin is not a cure, a pump is not a replacement pancreas, and a CGM does not do the work for me. We need a cure, but until then, we fight like hell to live good lives.

Day 5- the horrors of sugar free candy

When I was first diagnosed, I was gifted with a few bags of sugar free candy. I tried it, but it never sat well with me. I'd have a serving, it would still spike my blood sugar, and it didn't taste nearly as good as regular candy.
One day, I was distracted with a football game. It wasn't long after diagnosis, I was sitting watching a football game on tv, and was in the mode of mindless snacking. I'd pop a piece into my mouth, chew it, swallow it, and grab another - and had about three servings of hard candies before the inevitable happened. I ran to the bathroom and spent an hour in agony.
It turns out sugar free candy can act as a laxative. From that fateful day on, I've not touched sugar free candy. I will and do eat the regular stuff, and bolus accordingly. No more laxative-by-accident incidents.

If you are reading this as a non-diabetic, please remember to not gift a Type 1 with this stuff. It is an incredibly sweet gesture, it's very considerate, and I can attest to being appreciative of the time it takes to get someone a gift seemingly tailored to their needs.
Aside from it having a laxative effect, the flavor is not the same as the regular stuff, the texture of the chocolate is inferior, and we still need to take insulin to cover the carbs. Despite being labeled as sugar free, there are still carbs, and in general we must take insulin when we ingest them.

Day 4 - consequences of high blood glucose levels

 When my blood sugar levels get too high, I become physically ill. My head hurts, heart races and pounds heavily, I get very thirsty, and soon have to pee very often.
Those are the external immediate signs of hyperglycemia.
Internally, my blood becomes thicker than it should due to the glucose flowing in my veins. The tiny capillaries do not get proper blood flow, and those tissues supplied by them are deprived of vital nutrients. Insulin acts like a key. The cells are the locked doors.

 If this goes on too long, a dangerous condition called diabetic ketoacidosis will develop. An oversimplified explanation is as follows. With too little insulin and too much sugar in my blood stream, the locks aren't opened, the glucose can't enter the cell, this is bad. Cells need fuel to function, with the glucose fuel, fat reserves are used for fuel, which is a system of bad things which cause damage to the kidneys. Fat is released from fat cells, they travel to the liver and are transformed into ketone units to be used as muscle cell fuel sources. Without insulin to stop this process and use glucose as fuel, the fat cells and liver keep doing their thing, causing a buildup of ketones and ketoacids. It changes the acid level of the blood, and at that point, it is a life threatening medical emergency.
Aside from DKA, hyperglycemia causes damage to organs and tissues, which is why diabetics can lose digits, limbs, vision, and develop organ failure of the kidneys.

I and all other T1s do our best to avoid this. Its dangerous, potentially deadly, and it feels like hell to live through.

Day 3- night time lows

Today, I am going to describe the scary nights. Ones like last night and the night before.
 It starts with being jerked awake, feeling utterly disoriented. Then I am grumpy because why am I awake in the middle of the flipping night? Next is that feeling. It feels as though I were being zapped by low current electric wires all over, I'm jittery and cant concentrate. By instinct, I know I am low. I've felt it hundreds, literally hundreds of times before. I fumble for my phone to shut off the Dexcom alerting to my low glucose level and feel the other fun parts of hypoglycemia- the sweat. I am soaked head to toe, my hair is as though I just stepped from the shower, my pajamas are sticking to me, as though I just ran a marathon in Louisiana, next to a bayou, in August. My hand gropes in the dark on my headboard shelf for a juice box, failing to be quiet in a vain attempt to not wake my husband. He awakens enough to ask if I need help, something he can do while mostly still asleep as he has helped save me many times over our nearly nine years of marriage.
I mumble out "lowww" and finally stab the straw through the hole in the top of the Hi-C, pull the straw out and pound back the sugary drink as though I were a frat boy at a raging kegger. Once it's downed, I am still shaking badly, but I get up and strip, grab a towel from my bathroom and dry off, dress in clean nightclothes, crawl back between the sheets and drift off. Sometimes I start to feel my bg rising again and am safe to sleep, while other times I over-eat for the low, causing my bg to spike too high. Fear can do that. Fear has caused me to overtreat many times in the night, especially when my husband is away for work.

These lows are scary to say the least. They're also irritating because it means broken sleep, sugar ingested after teeth being brushed and I never remember to brush after a low because I am TIRED, and I can die.
 So very many Type 1s have lost their lives from slipping into a coma and dying from low blood sugar. This can and does kill. The brain needs sugar to work. The glucose in our blood travels to our brain, and the cells take is from the blood and use it. The brain does not store glucose, so when the glucose levels in the blood go low, the brain gets "first dibs" on nutrients in blood, so the other organs lose out in a hypoglycemic episode. The muscles don't want to work well, which makes it difficult to function to treat the low. Once the glucose levels fall too low, the brain has no fuel from the glucose, and it too, shuts down. We lose consciousness, then we stop breathing, and we die.

I use a Dexcom continuous glucose monitor. It is a medical device that uses a sensor with a tiny metal filament inserted at an angle under my skin to read the glucose levels every 5 minutes. A transmitter is attached to the sensor and uses Bluetooth to send the information to a receiver. I use my phone with its compatible app as mine. This technology has helped my husband and myself save my life often in the year and a half since I began wearing it.

I appreciate the tech that I use to stay alive. I affectionately call them my Borg implants. Without them, my health was out of control and I was slowly dying. Now, I'm happily living and fighting like hell to stay that way.

Day 2

I left off yesterday with getting home from the hospital to start my life with T1. I knew of only one other person with T1 in my life at that point. He was a year ahead of me in school and hated to talk about it, so we didn't really bond over that one thing in common.
 When I was diagnosed and educated, it felt like I was being educated for an "old person's disease from the tone of the educator and there being no gestures made to get me in contact with a support group, or anything it was just left unspoken. I was directed to a pediatric endocrinologist who I saw once. The man weirded me out so very badly I never went back, so all my diabetes care fell to my gp. I went years without knowing anything about the JDRF, without knowing about others like me. It was in 2000, and I was not able to access internet unless it was at school or my sister's apartment, and there existed much fewer resources for teens with T1. By the time I learned about diabetes camp for kids with T1, I was too old to even be a counselor. I missed out on socializing with others like me. I went through 12 semesters of college without meeting another T1. I was also ignoring my T1, and ending up hospitalized on numerous occasions but that is a post for another day.
 Today, I know two other T1s in my town. We are all different yet share this diagnosis. One is an athletic, smart, courageous boy who is coming up on his first diaversary, and the other is a gal who is beautiful, funny, and hardworking. We are all different ages, with different families, and none of us did anything to cause Type 1 diabetes to happen.
I tried a "local" support group but it is more than an hour away and the few times I went, there was at least 20 years between me and the next youngest person and the rest were in their 60s and up. I felt out of place. I've signed up two different years to do the JDRF walk. Once was when I had one child, and she was under six months old, and I felt so self-conscious that I was miserable-post baby body, shy, and just out of place among all these children with T1, the only thing we had in common was this awful diagnosis. I signed up a second time to walk with that support group, and it was nice but again, the age difference was glaringly obvious. They have grandkids older than my two. Once we were done with 'betes talk, there was nothing really left to say.
This feels to me like an isolating thing, to have this condition where I can't make plans and stick to them every time because my health goes haywire for no apparent reason.

 I finally found other people with Type 1 with whom I share more than having T1. On Facebook, I have found a few groups. Those of us who use Dexcom, who use Omni Pods, those of us who are moms, and those of us who are females. I finally have found people who understand from my point of view what life is like with this particular chronic condition.
 My family and friends all are supportive. I am thankful for each and every one of them.

November is Diabetes Awareness month. Day 1

I plan to write a post each day about living with Type 1.
This may be a lofty goal as I am not a consistent blog poster.
I will start with my diagnosis.
 I had been ill since April of 2000. I was 15 and had no clue what was wrong with me. My mom's job was having issues with their chosen health insurance providers. We did not have confirmation of coverage so going to the doc for a well-check wasn't on the horizon until it was all straightened out, and we had no idea how serious my symptoms were.
 For five and a half months I was always tired, always thirsty, peeing A LOT but not losing weight and my grades were still normal. Then came October of my sophomore year of high school. I began to lost my hearing, my vision was getting worse by the day. Finally insurance was settled. I saw a commercial one night for a medication for overactive bladder, and all the people in the commercial were older adults, not teen girls. I told my mom about my peeing ALL THE TIME and told her I was worried, plus it was getting really hard to hear. The day of my appointment came, the doctor was more concerned with my hearing and flushed my ears. I was diagnosed with impacted earwax, and was told to come back in a week for a re-check. When I asked about the peeing constantly, he said I would have a finger prick to test me at my re-check. I didn't know any better, so I didn't argue.
 A week goes by, it's now October 10, 2000, my hearing is better as the wax was removed. I go to the re-check, and a different doctor checked me over, and did a finger stick. The nurse came in, took a drop of blood and waited about a minute for the tester to show her whatever they were checking. The doctor came in a few minutes after this. With a grim look, he told me I needed to go to the hospital immediately, I had diabetes and my blood sugar was very high. I asked if I could grab stuff from home first and he said yes, but be quick and since my appointment was at the end of the business day to head directly to the ER to be admitted.
 I go home, back my Walkman CD player, a bunch of my favorite discs, and a couple of sets of clothes (lazy pants, shirts, jeans).     Right before we left for my appointment, my next door neighbor had been baking sugar cookies with her young daughters. She told me to come get one when I got back, so before my mom and dad brought me to the ER, I knocked on her door and said "I'll have to get one when I got out of the hospital, I was just diagnosed with diabetes and the doc is sending me to be admitted." She was shocked to say the least. After I got out, she told me they turned out badly and all four of their family members got sick from eating them O.O
  Once we got to the ER, they admitted me to the telemetry floor as pediatrics was too full, so in addition to having to have an IV for insulin and fluids, I got the wonderful experience of being required by the regulations for that unit to wear a heart monitor. I stayed at the hospital for three nights and three days. I as educated on insulin injections by a diabetic educator whose specialty was Type 2 diabetes. I learned to inject myself with insulin. I was but on humulin R and humulin N right away. I was a crappy version to me, as I had to gently mix one vial up then combine both types of insulin in the syringe before injecting. I was put on a schedule for when to eat and how many carbs I needed throughout the day. It was HELL.
I made it home, and started my life as a 15 year old female with Type 1 Diabetes.

I will continue with more of life as a newly diagnosed diabetic in future posts.

Finding peace

Things are changing in my little bubble. I used to not be able to see a neighbor's home unless it was the dead of winter and all greenery was gone. I could just make out their home through the trees. This summer, we got new neighbors. The empty field across the street is now occupied by a home, a huge garage and people. This is not good news. I have tried diligently to accept this new reality, this noise invasion of my tranquil wooded home. It is exceedingly difficult when they are still adding bits and pieces to complete their home. They use a bobcat at all hours of the day and it drives me bonkers.
I am very sensory driven. Numerous sounds grate on my nerves. Heavy machinery is the top of that list of noises. Finding peace with heavy diesel engine sounds is not my strong suit. I am praying a lot more, especially for patience and peace.

I've begun praying with my rosary and it helps. It is soothing like nothing else. I am thankful for Mary's intercession on my behalf.
Having unkind thoughts and considering the new people inconsiderate is not okay. I need to pray more for patience and peace until my gut reaction to their noise is one of kindness. I want to be able to hear them and be happy that they have a new home, not be angry and irritated at their existence

Things that I just don't understand:

I don't get why dance proposals are a thing. If I'd had a boy ask me to a dance by dropping on one knee I'd have laughed. In my old fashioned fuddy-dud opinion, dropping down on one knee ought to be saved for a marriage proposal. Normally I am all about no judgement but these things make me shake my head in bafflement.

I don't get why some parents choose to knowingly waste food. If you know your toddler is a picky eater, give them a tiny portion. If they toss that on the floor, then they can be done until they are actually ready to eat. Why do they cut up an entire adult sized portion and serve it to the kid who is known to taste one bite then proceed to toss every crap of food onto the floor? It creates more work for the parent, teaches the kid it's okay to throw food around, and is wasteful. I know, I know, just like I tell my kids "different families have different rules" and all that but intentional food wasting was drilled into me all my childhood as being a very bad thing.

I don't understand people who like high heels. I'm on the short side, and I have long ago accepted that fact. I don't own stilettos and think maybe I have one pair of heels from a decade ago that I keep 'just in case' so my chosen footwear includes tennis shoes, slippers, dressy flats, and comfy boots. I will not wear shoes that hurt my feet and then claim that beauty comes at a price or some other vanity nonsense.

Why do so many people not understand that giving an unwanted opinion on food is rude? Granted on any subject it can me rude, and this post definitely is chock full of unwanted opinions, but I do NOT go up to people in person or on social media and tell them that their *insert thing liked by person* is *negative adjective.* I was recently asked about on of my interests and the person then proceeded to exclaim the bizarre and stupid things about it. Dude, seriously, did your parents never teach you social skills??

I don't understand the fascination with zombies, and especially am baffled by those who think they can really happen.

I don't understand racism. Hating a group of people because of skin color???? Just why.....

I don't understand the fascination with tattoos, I don't have any, but have thought about getting a medical alert tattoo, and decided to not get one because I am simply not interested. I have more family members with them than without them, but I still don't see the appeal. Yes, they're pretty, and they have meanings but I just don't have the desire for one. All you tattooed people, have at it and keep enjoying.

These are a few things that I simply do not get. I am doing my best to not judge others and I hold my tongue and my typing if  I see them. I will not jump into a conversation and tell someone how much what they enjoy pisses me off, is stupid, or petty. It's not my thing. So I come here, I state how I feel in my own little ignored corner of the internet and vent. I don't judge the people who get and like the things that I don't. I don't consider them less intelligent, less deserving of kindness and compassion, less worthy, any of that. I don't think of them as dumb or childish. I consider them to have different interests that are just as valid as my own even if i don't like the same things.

Birthday!

My wonderful family celebrated my birthday by having a day of spoiling my girls. We went to a mall to build stuffed animals, went thrift store shopping for fun stuff, ate a delicious barbecue dinner, and opened gifts at home with chocolate cake. This birthday was amazing.
 I built a Spock bear, Berry picked out an Elsa bear and Bear picked put a pony, and the hubs refused so I also got a Toothless, because DRAGONS! :-D

just bllagh

The hubs flew to another city on the east coast for the week. It sucks for me because I miss him and I have to solo parent and do it all. I am not liking that. The one on two time with the girls is always loved but I miss my other half. I miss my partner and friend and just the presence of him. This isn't a matter of capability, but of just disliking the disruption to routine.
So blagh. Blagh to dreary overcast winter days, to business trips interfering on weekends when normally they are strictly weekday things. Just  :-(

Everybody's Got Something

That may or may not be the title of Robin Roberts' memoir about her second battle with cancer.
It is so very true. I have facebook friends who hate the phrase "Everybody is dealing with their own battles" or other things along those lines. I believe in it. It is something I remind myself each day, because I am NOT the center of the world, and it is not very considerate to take out my bad day on others.
I love the book, and the message within.
There are so many things that can irritate me and yet they may not bother others. Why should I let myself be grumpy when it could drag down those around me. I don't always win myself over with the peptalk. It feels good when I do manage to swallow down my grumpiness and see those around me maintain a happy mood

I miss the Sun. I love sunny days, and truly need the sunlight. Over the last few days it has been rainy, icy, foggy, and simply overcast and dreary.
These are the worst days for me. I can deal with below zero but sunny days and even the 99ºF sunny days, but when the clouds roll in, after about 24 hours without direct sunlight, I feel down.

I have class this evening, and I need to feed my kids and run errands. I don't want to do any of it, all I want is to wear warm fuzzy pjs, drink hot tea, and sit under a bright lamp.

This morning while dropping Bear off at preschool, she pretended to be a kiitten. I told her she needed to be a human, kittens can't go to school. She responded with "I wanna be a kitty at school" with a tone of voice that was pure Spock- level logical.

New year, new blog post.

 It is January of 2017. I am taking one class this last semester, and am taking next year off. Bear will be in 4 year old preschool, and Berry will start 1st grade this fall.
My Bear is a spitfire. I love her ways of thinking. It is utter 3 year old logic and it makes me laugh on a daily basis.
My Berry is utterly kind. She loves everyone. She sees the best in all. She reads, she loves to dance and play and sing. She is the best 6 year old I know.
I love my kids more than life itself. I went to school over the summer and got my CNA. I started at a nursing home but left six weeks later due to the mental and familial strain.
As of right now: my life is joyous. I am blessed beyond measure.
 My diabetes is under the best control since my diagnosis 16 years ago. My last A1c was 6.6. For those who have diabetes, this is still a little elevated but is amazing for my personal record. I am thankful!

Classes start soon

I'm beginning the classroom portion of my journey to becoming a nurse. This is exciting and scary. Prayers, please?
Baby bear turned three last month. I hear odd noises, so goodbye for a few weeks or hours, haha.

A few weeks ago, I went off posting

I took a break. I have discovered that I cannot commit to daily blogging. It is simply too much pressure for me at this stage of my life.
Current events:
 Signed up for a JDRF walk, and am looking forward to that.
 I'm still using my dex, but took a break from my pump and sensor yesterday. My numbers suffered, and it is proof that my MDI game is not up to par.

I've seen articles regarding the artificial pancreas and this is just a misnomer to me. If it were truly an artificial pancreas then that sum-gun would be permanently inserted like a pacemaker inside the body. I saw a few images of one set-up that had a pump, an infusion site, a CGM, a sensor, and something else  I think. I wear All of that. It's a pain in the royal ass.
I'm not going to be all excited about an AP until it's been out a while and the ads for class-action lawsuits are done running all the time, and my insurance covers it.

Been struggling with highs....

For nearly a week it feels like I have been super damned high. UGH!

I've given up!

The daily posting of pictures, that is. I just cannot keep up. I got too much other stuff going on and my time at the computer is very limited these days.
But, I'm here, I love my Dexcom, my Ping, and being healthier than I have in years.

D:365 Day 27

I love spring.

D:365 Day 26

The 24 hour graph of blood sugars reminds me of a mountain range. I am so badly trying for the flat plains of North Dakota but so far, no luck inless I zoom in for the two hour graph

The latest

Well, I now use the Dexcom CGM. I am a happy convert from very anti (for me) CGM to pro CGM for me. I used Medtronic's CGM more than 5 years ago when pregnant with my first kid. It was hellish. This, howeve, is so easy to use and I love it.
I tweaked settings but thing they need to be more finely tuned.

D:365 Day 25

More Penny. She has been a camera hound lately.

D:365 Day 24

More fun with Penny

*disclaimer. She was asleep and this was a sealed mini bottle.

D:365 Day 23

Outdoor fun with the animals and kids. This kitty is the most photogenic animal I've ever had.

D:365 Day 22

The day I used Dexcom for the first time!

D:365 Day 22-25 addressed

So, apparently the weekends kill me when it comes to picture taking and blogging. I have failed a few times to post daily but I am not giving up yet!
Pictures to come still.

D:365 Day 21

I used one of these nasty suckers last night. It works but tastes horrible to me. Keep in mind I choose diet and sugar free drinks as much as possible.